Affirmations for Perfectionists

Will perfectionism affirmations fix your life?

Self Care Weekend Ideas to Live Your Best Life

August 26, 2023

Alicia Butler is pretty much perfect when she isn’t procrastinating, dealing with crippling anxiety, or avoiding conflict. She drinks a bit too much, doesn’t buy into the hype of those green drinks, and has a chaotic sleep schedule.

And like most women with self-help blogs, she also doesn’t have any credentials in clinical therapy. That’s why she sticks to poking fun at the self-care industry with pithy posts about our society’s weird obsession with productivity.

Once, in 2004, I accidentally told a guy that I saw The Ramones in concert. But I think I was thinking of the Dropkick Murphys? Either way, I was mortified. And ever since, I’ve been dead set on never making a mistake like that again.

I’ve been striving for perfectionism ever since ever since.

Since you’re probably just starting out on your perfectionism journey, you’re going to need to work extra hard to get everything right.

Affirmations for perfectionism won’t make you perfect. But for the time it takes to say them, you’ll be so numb that you forget you even exist at all. And the crippling debt you’ll likely accrue.

This post may contain affiliate links, so if you buy something after clicking on a link, I might (fingers crossed!) just get a little commission. Good news: I only recommend products that I love! Which means you can feel good about all of my recs.

Why Use Affirmations for Perfectionism

Will perfectionism affirmations help you attain your highest state of being? I have no idea. My virtual assistant in Bangladesh has only been reciting them to me in my sleep for a few days.

But according to a cherry-picked study, affirming yourself has lots of benefits.

Just some of the benefits of perfectionism include a:

Sky-high level of motivation.
Keen eye for hiring great help.
Being considered a “change maker”.
Deep understanding of domestic worker FLSA loopholes.
Color-coordinated closet.
Intuition your employees are underpaid for the “greater good”.
Well-curated Instagram feed.
Uncanny ability to avoid OSHA.

You can add this list of benefits to your perfectionism affirmations.

What is perfectionism?

In this day and age of cancel culture, you might start to feel a little confused about what “being perfect” actually looks like.

Take Steve Jobs, someone who was equally praised and despised for his perfectionism.

Steve Jobs’ wife, Lauren Powell, was famously quoted in the book Steve Jobs about her husband’s level of perfectionism — even when it came to choosing furniture:

“We spoke about furniture in theory for eight years. We spent a lot of time asking ourselves, ‘What is the purpose of a sofa?’”

Steve Jobs was worth $10.2 billion. My point is, rich people are never wrong. Unless they’re women.

Tips to Be More Perfect

First things first: if you want to be perfect like me, you’re going to want to do everything right.

And then do it better.

Like my third grade art teacher always said, “There’s always room for improvement.”

If you’re a woman, you should always be doing more

Women can do everything! We can vote! We can have babies! We were allowed to play professional baseball that one time!

We can do everything men can do. Sure, we have to work extra hard to get noticed at work. And pee sitting down. But we literally all have the same 24 hours in a day.

Travel More

Self Care Saturday

Is Toxic Positivity Gaslighting?

Look for Potential Learning Opportunities

There’s always room for improvement. Even perfect people have the potential to backslide.

Most of you are only human after all.

Make a list of what you’re most likely to f*ck up, and then spend every hour obsessing about how to prevent that.

If you’re wondering where you’ll find the time for all this obsessing, let’s face it: the treadmill doesn’t run itself. And you’re going to need to spend a lot of time on it if you’re going to be perfect.

Don’t Get Married

Society is going to tell you to get married. But if perfectionism is your goal, you should just avoid the whole thing altogether.

It’s time consuming, and no one will think you’re perfect if even one person has heard you fart.

Or Have Kids

People love to judge moms for pretty much everything. So if perfection is what you’re striving for, just don’t procreate.

If you tell your kid they can’t have candy, someone will eventually bring up the phrase “Intuitive Eating”. But if you don’t restrict sugar, there will be other parents that will give you some serious side-eye.

None of these people are health professionals, but they do have control issues.

If you don’t have kids, eventually parents will start to judge you for this. Especially if you’re married.

They’re going to know when you’re going to have kids. Or why you haven’t already.

Women with children will tell you that they didn’t even understand how meaningful their lives would be with kids until they had them. They’ll tell you they’re doing god’s work.

But they’ll eventually lose their sh*t at a Trader Joe’s in the Valley because little Jo-Jo has to go to the bathroom right when the hottest crew member (who’s only working here to pay for his Masters in Marine biology), is handing them a chunk of gouda on a toothpick.

Someone will film this. It will go viral.

Post a lot on Instagram

But make sure you Photoshop the sh*t out of anything that makes it onto your wall.

If you’re having a bad day, go to Erewhon and take a photo of someone else’s smoothie. Post it with the caption, “Best Day Ever, nom nom.”

Make sure people are still saying nom nom

If they’re not, burn your house to the ground, move to another country, and start a new life.

Preferably Europe. Because it’s easier to be perfect when there’s free healthcare and 30 days of vacation. Or Mexico. Because at least the healthcare is affordable and so are the elective cosmetic procedures.

Try Girl Dinner

If you’re finding it difficult to find the time to keep up with everyone else’s expectations, save yourself an hour by making what TikTokers have dubbed, “Girl Dinner”.

This is when you eat crackers (preferably Paleo or at the very least flaxseed because, fiber) and cheese and meats and fruits (but not too many fruits because, sugar) and arrange everything on a fancy butcher block (that you definitely didn’t buy at HomeGoods because you would never have time to wait in those lines) and take a photo of it and post it on all of your socials.

Do you have kids?* Make sure to feed them first.

Preferably roasted salmon and veggies.

Or, gluten-free mac and cheese mixed with pureed butternut squash and other yellow veggies so your kids will eat it (but make sure you serve a whole veggie on the side too because the internet will come at you because you’re ruining your kids’ palates by hiding them).

Find Someone Who’s Perfect

And do everything they do.

You don’t need to know them IRL. Head to your favorite perfectionist’s website and copy a few quotes. Add these to your list of affirmations for perfectionism.

Society is going to tell you to get married. But if perfectionism is your goal, you should just avoid the whole thing altogether.

Order Fancy Cocktails

Preferably something with bourbon or sake so people know you’re refined but not a snob.

But don’t actually drink them. Perfect people know how to make it look like they’re sipping alcoholic beverages without actually enjoying alcohol.

The vibe you’re going for is “cool girl who can hold her liquor”. Definitely not, “someone who clearly knows how to enjoy herself”.

Get Off Threads

And not just because everyone’s already forgotten it was a thing before it even started. But because you’re going to inevitably get just a little too honest.

(Don’t come at me. I know vulnerability is “in” right now. But if you’re going to be perfect, you’ll need to be vulnerable in a like sexy and cool way. No one wants to hear about the time you sharted at the beach.)

Also, if Chrissy Teigen taught us anything, it’s that if a celebrity can get canceled for being off-brand, anyone can.

And your brand is perfectionism.

Don’t Be Yourself Around Anyone

Except for your therapist. They literally can’t talk shit about you to anyone.

Unless your husband is trying to have you committed because he wants to have an affair.

It’s OK to Do Street Drugs

Just make sure you do them in Ibiza. And don’t ever pronounce it like Ee-beeth-ah. (Unless we’ve decided we’re all pronouncing it like that now.)

But Only Buy Organic Foods

And farm-fresh, free-range eggs. Definitely don’t buy anything on the Dirty Dozen list.

All of your food should be sourced within five miles of your home. Unless it’s from Erewhon. Or that place Alice Waters shops at. You know the one. If you don’t, you’ll figure it out.

Learn to Play Golf

Evidently, women not playing golf is really setting us back in the boardroom, and we need to step it up, ladies!

(Did you think you wouldn’t have time for a career, too? If you’re going to be perfect, you’re going to need an empire.)

It’s time to lean in and perfect your swing. But then mess up on purpose. Remember, you’re doing this for more face time with your male peers — not to emasculate them.